Do you believe in signs from the Universe?
Put another way, do you believe in messages from God?
How do you interpret the struggles and challenges in your life? Viewed through a complex web of connectivity, or meaningless echoes in a cosmic void? What is intentional and what is arbitrary?
How long do we do one thing before it casts us into madness? Is madness of pursuit the same thing as dedication?
These light questions brought to you by my fifth visit to the same mechanics in four weeks. How do you know when you’ve come up against your edge?
Central Florida feels less like vacationland and more like an ever-shrinking suburban purgatory these days. When we left the mechanics on Wednesday, I let myself fly high on hope. Perhaps this would be it. A new year, new chapter in the van. When the light flicked back on with a ding last night I could hardly suck in a breath.
How hard will I fight for what I want? How much more fight do I have left in me?
I spent three years in pursuit of van life, trying to mold together a life I could support on the road. It took me high and swung me low, but nothing like this. Nothing as fast as these twists and turns. You can be on both ends of the rollercoaster within hours. Emotional whiplash.
I have big plans for 2024. A trip north and a cross-country road trip, thousands of miles within a few weeks span. The fear creeping into my mind tells me it won’t happen, that I will have to back away from all of the plans that excite me so. I don’t believe that to be true, but you know how insidiously fear speaks.
I don’t want to catastrophize. I don’t want to spiral into thoughts of doom and gloom and failure. I want to believe in myself the way I did in 2020 when, faced with the choice of taking the leap or stepping back, I took the leap. Today it feels like I’m still falling.
When I find myself in this mechanic spiral (visiting, leaving, coming back again), I have the distinct feeling of being laughed at. Is it better to believe in a cosmic joke than a curse? Being the butt of the joke seems more temporary than to be cursed.
