This past week has been unseasonably warm for early February and I’ve found myself somewhere unexpected: struggling with not smoking.
I’ve taken tolerance breaks before, but this is the longest one yet. Typically I go 14 – 30 days without smoking. In comparison, 90 days feels like a lifetime.
That was intentional, whether I want to admit it or not. 30 days is great for a reset, but will not break the habit of smoking. What I am trying to do here is smoke far less. I guessed that the first 30 days would be the hardest, and there were some hard days. But I had other physical struggles that captured my attention, and for the most part, put smoking out of my mind.
My Whole30 brought relief to much of my stomach issues, which have made them less all-consuming in my mind – which makes room to ruminate on smoking.
That brings me back to the weather. It’s been mid-50s to low 60s all week, the sun shining and the breeze warm. And I want nothing more than to light up a joint on my back patio.
It is impossible to consider all of the potential issues that may arise during a smoke break, and I certainly never thought spring weather would be one of them. But I adore smoking in the sun, especially in the mornings and after work, so it makes sense that the warmer it is outside, the more my brain craves smoking.
There’s the peace of it – sitting in nature, not scrolling on my phone, present in the moment as I puff. There’s the anticipation in the ritual, grinding the flower and rolling a joint or packing a bowl. And there’s the rush of euphoria that comes both from being high and being in the sun. It makes perfect sense.
It also sucks.
I am 38 days into the 90 smokeless days and it still feels like a lifetime. The weeks stretch out before me and if they’ll all be this warm, it feels like nature is taunting me. I hope for more snow, both because the moisture is needed to reduce the risk of fire season in the summer and because winter means snow, damn it– and because I want to smoke far less when it is 25 degrees and windy.
Earlier this week I was down about it, complaining endlessly about my decision to do this and to make it public, which makes it harder to go back on my word (and that is why I need outside accountability – without it, I would have broken by now.) But I sucked up the suck and the days passed anyway.
I did bend yesterday and reintroduced wine for the first time in nearly four months. A single glass paired with a paint-by-number was enough to satiate the park of my monkey mind that is restless for smoking.
People have asked me what I’ve learned so far without smoking and the truthful answer is not much. I am noticing an impact on my sleep – long times waiting to fall asleep, nightmares and bad dreams regularly, and far more waking up in the middle of the night. I was not a great sleeper for most of my life and even once I stopped smoking weed specifically to sleep, I was still benefitting from having it in my system. My focus and production have been steady, but my meditations and yoga are more challenging, and that thoughtless flow state is elusive.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish I made this break shorter – but I made my decision for a reason and even worse, I shared it out loud – so now I’m committed.
Here’s hoping for snow and cold weather – for me and for fire season.
