No matter how far north I drive in California, I can’t escape this heat. I thought Oregon would be different – but it was the same sweltering hot, hazy air I’ve come to know since June.
One of the most challenging parts of having a neurodivergent brain is how it flicks on/off of interests. One day you wake up and something consumes you. Another day you wake up and it hardly matters anymore.
I am on the West Coast in nowhere Oregon. The van is the only place I have to go. My days here are numbered but it’s all I can do not to count them down. It is clear now: I am ready to be done.
For so long I have not wanted to be done. When I needed major van repairs in January, April, and May, I pleaded with the Universe to let me go on. And every time it did. Now I wonder when I will have a concrete date to be done – and the Universe says nothing.
I don’t expect it to. Pleading, praying, manifesting, whatever you want to call it – it’s all the same. Oliver said “Yes I know God’s silence never breaks, but is that really a problem? There are thousands of voices after all.” Mine among them.
Patience has never been a virtue of mine. When I want something, I want it now, and when I don’t, I want it gone immediately. I was told it would get better as I got older and in some ways it has, but those ways are mostly my mindset around impatience, not being impatient.
Impatient for the work to come through, the phone to ring, the lease to arrive, the blazing hot sun to set. Impatient to start, impatient to be done. If I had my way, the world would move faster. Traffic would never jam, meetings would start on time, and what I wanted would show up when I wanted it.
There’s something about being in the heat that makes everything harder. Appetite and energy decrease, lethargy and discomfort increase. The heat out west is different than the heat on the east coast, where humidity rages. Out here the air is dry and crispy, the sun turning the earth into an oven. When fire rages the smoke clouds the sky and makes it hotter, the nights cannot cool off.
It’s been a long, hot week, made longer by my desire to be anywhere but this van. With nowhere else to go, I can do nothing but sit in my discomfort. At least the sunsets are beautiful.
